I am a 28 year-old single man with a decade of dating experience. Been on many dates, had many coffees, am somewhat of a dating app aficionado. Fastest thumbs in the north-east Atlanta area.
Having endured the long hard winter month of family and friends berating you about why you didn’t bring anyone home for the holidays, and ending the season by kissing an avocado or a furry friend at midnight last night, I’m sure a good number of you will be charging up your iPhone, determined to avoid next years humiliation. If I may be so bold, I’d like to talk about a few online profile pitfalls I’ve noticed as of late.
Why it matters:
Many people will say these are nit-picky, however, when one has a seemingly endless line of potential connections, the one or two sentences you decide to attach to your face really matter. And yet, for some inexplicable reason, I’ve found people gravitate to some of the most banal answers, that obscure any insight into who they actually are. All my pointers are intended to veer away from cliché and into who you are as a human.
Lastly, it’s possible you’ll read this and think I’m jaded, unfair, mean-spirited, and maybe even a little masochistic, which may all be true. Except for unfair. I am always fair. But I am willing to sacrifice my good reputation for two reasons: 1) I hope it will be helpful, and 2) Let’s be honest, things aren’t working out for me at 28 so what do I have to lose at this point, right? Hell yeah. Let’s get to it.
Cliché #1
“I like traveling” - This is the new and *improved* “long walks on the beach” answer. Listen, I hear you. You want to express your love of culture, nature, downtime... but here’s the bottom line–we’ve seen it all before. People who put this in their profile are trying to be adventurous and diverse but in reality they just sound like every other profile. Instead, be more specific. Share a particular story about your travels that has meaning to you. It is you we are interested in after all.
Cliché #2
“I love laughing” - These kinds of sentiments are meaningless. It’s an attempt at being lighthearted, but what you’ve actually done is give me a sentence empty of character. What were you hoping I would do with that nugget of information? “Ahh, I see you love laughing. Good. I love laughing as well, also.” A similar sentiment is “I try to see the best in every situation.” Oh good! I was worried you were one of the I-try-to-see-the-worst-in-every-situation kind of people. Thank you for clarifying. Very helpful. Instead, paint me a picture such as “I revel in the misfortune of others.” Maybe that’s not a great idea for a dating site… but it paints a picture. Paint away.
Cliché #3
Empty adjectives - “Friends say I’m smart, funny, trustworthy” Let’s break each one of those down:
“Friends say I’m smart.” Ok, so first question: how smart are your friends? ‘Cause if any of them serially watch Bravo or E!, then they’re at least a little not smart, and by extension probably so are you.
“Funny.” I highly doubt that. You JUST HAD a chance to write something funny, but instead, you basically wrote “I am funny” which, isn’t funny at all. “I am funny” sounds more like a robot learning basic grammar than a funny person. I mean if you had put “I am funny… also a little lazy” then that would have been somewhat funny. But no, you just… you just… no. You’re not funny. You’re not.
“Trustworthy.” This one is extremely suspicious. Like, why you gotta prove that to me right away? If I’m walking down the street and someone comes up to me and says “Hi, I’m Amanda, and I’m trustworthy!” I am not going to trust that person. I am, however, going to be looking around for kidnapping vans or John Cena crouching in the bushes.
Cliché #4
“My friends and family are really important to me.” Really Kimberly? Really? What else is important to you? Rays of sunshine? Shelter from the elements? Oxygen?
Cliché #5
“I’m just looking for my partner in crime.” This is an attempt at being comical and light hearted while expressing your ideal relationship. But if you think about it, it equates a potential relationship to deliberate and repeated violation of actual laws, indicating you have a limited vocabulary for expressing what you want romantically.
“Oh hey, you know crime?”
“Yeah?”
“I want us to be like that.”
“huh, ain’t that some shit.”
Cliché #6
“My life is fabulous, just looking for someone to share it with.” This one isn’t immediately suspicious, but let me peel back the layers. You’re walking down the street and Britney comes up to you and says “Hello, my life is fabulous, and I’m looking for a person to share it with.” You’d mostly be like “Right on.” but somewhere in the back of your mind it kinda feels like she’s heading something off. “I am ridiculously fabulous. So fabulous that I am above suspicion of not being fabulous, in any way.” If you can imagine Alec Baldwin saying it on SNL, don’t put it in your profile.
Cliché #6
I like to stay in with a glass of wine and Netflix. Can I be honest right now? This sounds more like an infomercial for Netflix than a real human being. I bet you’re also a “fun, active girl who likes to hang out with her friends and go on adventures.” This answer is so stock the dow jones just went up three points. (Note to self: need to check how stock works and verify that joke makes sense.)
That’s all. Good luck.
Anyone want to date me yet?
-James
