I was in high school once...I was also in middle school. I was also a child once, but that's not really where I'm going with this post. Where was I? Right, high school.
I listened to a LOT of music in high school. I still listen to music now, but not as much as I used to. I think part of it has to do with the raving hormones that come with high school, and part of it has to do with the discovery that there is exciting and real emotion outside of music.
There are some song lyrics that don't make sense. I'm not talking about nonsense lyrics such as some of The Beatles' pot inspired verses. I'm talking about songs that seem like they could make sense, but when you read and try to comprehend the spirit of the message, if feels like you're hitting a roof. It's as if the scope of your existence cannot muster the prowess to comprehend the message. For me one such song was "So I Thought" by Flyleaf.
I don't recall where I was when I first head the song, but I knew exactly how I felt. When I first heard the intro to that song, it felt like someone had composed a melody or a theme to my life. I was unmistakably sure I had never heard the melody line, but equally confident I had been hearing it my whole life. It TOTALLY captured me. Then I took a look at the lyrics and it TOTALLY confused me. I took large amounts of time to try and understand it. I struggled then (and do so now) with pride, so asking somebody the meaning of the song was totally out of the question. I kept the song with me, and listened to it often. I KNEW I loved the musical or inexpressible side of it, but could only wonder if I would ever understand the text of what the artist was talking about.
I remember being in a coffee shop one, maybe two years later. I was talking with my friends. In our discussion the song came up, and I replayed the lyrics in my head. I had listened to the song often enough that I had memorized the lyric to the song, but was perpetually dumbfounded. Then, upon recalling the lyrics to my head...it all made sense. Perfect sense in fact. The lyric was not only sensible, but was in fact, genius. It described every avenue, every emotion, and every truth of what I had gone through the past year or so with breathtaking accuracy.
My life was essentially the same life I was living when I first heard the song except for one thing. I had suffered that year. In one year, I had come close to dying on more than one occasion, my grandmother was hospitalized, a close friend of mine relapsed, and my mom was diagnosed with cancer. The song almost served as a prophecy and predicted how painful life would be, yet so incredibly beautiful. I could not previously comprehend it because I had not walked a path of suffering. A year later, I had, and I found it to make perfect sense.
What if life is like this? What if someone wrote a song, and you heard it, and it was beautiful to you. What if you were sure you had never heard it before, but were equally sure you knew it had been with you your entire life? What if it didn't make sense at first?
I do not know how to wrap this up. I was supposed to sit down and read books, but I started typing instead.
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I think we all suffer, and I have identified two products of suffering.
1. Hardness. I think of people in my life, who suffer and focus inward on themselves. They become hard. They think about their pain, their sorrow, and become bent on their self pity. I think of Pharaoh in Exodus. Pharaoh who, with his nation, suffered greatly, but hardened his heart against God's repeated offerings of grace.
2. Clarity . I think of people who have suffered and now posses a...deeper outlook on life. There is this firm understanding they seem to have. I think of my own life. I consider myself to have suffered little, and so have gained little clarity. Yet, what little clarity I have gained, it has had profound impacts on my life.
Paul the Apostle said this: "Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God."
I don't know why this must be. It seems to me however...other than Jesus Christ, there is nothing like pain that brings us closer to the Father, and flowers compassion in our hearts.
-James
