Father's day

Dad...I wish I had written more of these. One of your love languages was words of affirmation. I wish I had loved you better that way. Ha...as I'm writing this your gmail chat icon turned orange meaning your account was recently active. Probably mom going through business e-mails. I laughed because for a moment I thought you were downstairs checking your email right before you went to bed (as was your custom). I thought maybe this whole death business was a bad dream. There is still some part of me that refuses to believe you're not here.

The truth of Christ's victory over death has become so much more real since you've left. I'm sure it's not as real to me as it is to you, but still...it's something very beautiful to me.

I miss your laugh a lot. It was...just great. Somebody sent mom an old picture of you when you were around eighteen. You're wearing just about the biggest, warmest smile one could possibly imagine. I didn't know you when you were eighteen, but I did know you in your later years and I can testify that that smile never faded from your face.

It's hard to be a good man without you. You inspired me to do really hard things, and you encouraged me when things got really hard. I miss your wisdom and advice. I sometimes rolled my eyes when I could feel a long lecture of yours coming on. There are now two things that I'd LOVE to hear from you about. I'd still like to role my eyes, even though I'd really enjoy it. It'd just be nice you know...to be how we used to be. I'm trying to remember some of the things you said to me in our car rides together, but I never wrote them down so...there's not much hope that I'll be able to recall much.

So I'm 21. When you were 21 you were engaged. Golly...I couldn't imagine being engaged right now. I was going to ask you to be my best man when I got married. I don't think I ever told you that. I was thinking about my wedding today (not something that I often do, but every once in awhile it pops in) and I was thinking how we could incorporate Romans 15:5-7 and 13. Those are the verses you and mom shared with all your friends and children who were getting married. It dawned on me that you wouldn't be there to read it.

A friend of mine posted on her status a quote from C.S. Lewis' The Last Battle. It's Reepicheep's line "Welcome, in the Lion's name. Come further up and further in!" I remember how overjoyed I was when I first read those words. I was so elated to "see" Reepicheep again after he had been gone for so long. I shed tears and shouted for joy over a fictional mouse. Oh dad...I want to see you at the gates of heaven. I now sob with such painful longing for that, but then how much more joyful will I be to hear my you, my father, say "Welcome in the Lion of Judah's name! Come further up and further in!"

I know there is good work to be done. Don't give me heaven too early, there's still too much hell to fight...but oh...how I long so very much to see you again.

Your son,
-James