When I was 21 I lost my dad. He was taking the trash out to the street one day, slipped on some ice, hit his head, and was declared braindead two days later. I’m one of five siblings. Second youngest. I remember feeling sorry for my younger brother. I had the thought “at least I made it to 21 before I lost dad.” You know, that arbitrary mile marker we have for adulthood. I made it. Thank goodness.
While there is a difference between mine and my younger brother’s journey, and he had difficulties I didn’t, what I’ve realized is you always need a dad. No matter the age. There’s so much to discover about the world, about yourself, about being a good man, about handling new responsibility with grace, about dealing with growing old, about self confidence, about being open to the new.
Of course it’s possible to learn all of these things without Dad, it’s just more lonely. It’s like if you were a kid, and someone threw a workbook at you and told you to figure it out vs. having a tutor. There’s information in both, but in one there’s a relationship. There’s intuition, there's give and take. One is warm, the other is cold.
And so in my sixth year of being fatherless I think that is the title of the latest wave of grief. How do I not become cold without you? Of course there are new relationships to forge that will fill in, of course I have my family and my mother. They are not insufficient in any way.
But when you grow up with someone you love, your brain makes a place for them. You lean on them, you count on them, and when they’re taken away, your instincts can’t let go of them. Your reflex is to go to them, but that place in your brain is empty. It’s frozen, preserved exactly the way it was the day they died.
So that’s rough. I am blessed with good friends who cheerfully discover life along side me, kind families who invite me into their circle, and a mother who overflows with a tender love. So really there’s hope and opportunity every day and this is the easiest grief to deal with yet, but it’s grief all the same.
-James
1 comment:
Oh, James. How you have grown! This is such a tender, heartfelt, yet mature tribute to your dear, sweet dad! Knowing him as I did, I'm sure he is beaming with pride at the Godly man you are.
I lost my dear Daddy when I was 19. Though the years dim the pain, the hole in your heart remains, but it does get smaller with time. Like you, I was thankful and grateful for the time we had together, but grieved for the missed experiences. The verses my sweet mama claimed over us has become even more meaningful through the years. Thank you for sharing your heart, James.
Psalm 68:5-6:
“A father of the fatherless and a judge and protector of the widows, Is God in His holy habitation. God makes a home for the lonely; He leads the prisoners into prosperity, Only the stubborn and rebellious dwell in a parched land.”
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