The sixth wave of grief.

When I was 21 I lost my dad. He was taking the trash out to the street one day, slipped on some ice, hit his head, and was declared braindead two days later. I’m one of five siblings. Second youngest. I remember feeling sorry for my younger brother. I had the thought “at least I made it to 21 before I lost dad.” You know, that arbitrary mile marker we have for adulthood. I made it. Thank goodness.

While there is a difference between mine and my younger brother’s journey, and he had difficulties I didn’t, what I’ve realized is you always need a dad. No matter the age. There’s so much to discover about the world, about yourself, about being a good man, about handling new responsibility with grace, about dealing with growing old, about self confidence, about being open to the new.

Of course it’s possible to learn all of these things without Dad, it’s just more lonely. It’s like if you were a kid, and someone threw a workbook at you and told you to figure it out vs. having a tutor. There’s information in both, but in one there’s a relationship. There’s intuition, there's give and take. One is warm, the other is cold.

And so in my sixth year of being fatherless I think that is the title of the latest wave of grief. How do I not become cold without you? Of course there are new relationships to forge that will fill in, of course I have my family and my mother. They are not insufficient in any way. 

But when you grow up with someone you love, your brain makes a place for them. You lean on them, you count on them, and when they’re taken away, your instincts can’t let go of them. Your reflex is to go to them, but that place in your brain is empty. It’s frozen, preserved exactly the way it was the day they died. 

So that’s rough. I am blessed with good friends who cheerfully discover life along side me, kind families who invite me into their circle, and a mother who overflows with a tender love. So really there’s hope and opportunity every day and this is the easiest grief to deal with yet, but it’s grief all the same. 

-James

Toast

When attempting to say a few meaningful words to your brother on his wedding day, it’s hard to find the right stories, the right sentiments, because there are so many. mostly good. Right? Mostly good ones. ;-) 

Mostly good ones like one morning I was supposed to give Christopher a ride to Artios, and it should not surprise most of you to know that I was running a bit late, and Christopher was downstairs, ready. But what might surprise you, was that to kill time, he had chosen to dance to music stylings GS boyz “Do the Stanky Legg". I think he might of had a test or something that day and was amping up?

Another story I love to embarrass Christopher with was a particular occasion where he was approached by two young Asain ladies at a stop light. One of them yell’s over to Christopher “hey, my friend thinks you're cute, (fair) and just got out of a relationship and needs a friend.” Christopher sensibly responded “No, I'm good.” to which she said “What, you got something against Asians?” Then Christopher, struck by a moment of brilliant eloquence blurts out “I love all raisins.”

I’ll let you all decide if that’s one of the good or bad memories. But for me, as I reflected last night, there was one touchstone memory that highlighted Christopher’s character and growth in recent years. 

On April of 2008 I wrote in what served as my journal, a sentence or two about Christopher: He’s right in that lanky phase of his life where his body is growing so fast he’s not sure what to do with all of it. He likes punk rock, rap, and energetic music (as is to be expected from a young man of his age) His foot is now a good inch and a half longer than mine, and he will probably soon out grow me in height. He’s kind, he’s so very affectionate to my mother and sister, and loves on them daily. He’s beginning to learn how to articulate what he feels, and is embellishing his own personality. This really is a blossoming time in his life.

And in this brief picture of a 13 year old Christopher, I would like to highlight three aspects of his personality and life that have developed over the last eight years. 

1. “He’s in a lanky phase of his life where he has more than he knows what to do with.” Christopher, early in your life you were given some uncommon challenges. Be it switching the structure of your education halfway through to losing dad at 15. Then add on the normal life change of going to college and starting your dating life, and looking to choose a career, it became overwhelming pretty quick. But what I am proud of, and admire, is you approached each of these situations with unflinching determination, and bravery. When I think of who you were at 13, I see a young man full of potential. The thing about potential is that, unattended, it can lead to disaster, and disappointment. But you have shepherded your talents, your character, and your life well and have become an admirable man. 
2. “He’s so very kind and affectionate”. There are few things Christopher cares more about than the people close to him, and his relationship to them. A simple trip to the grocery store with a loved one can make him happy and feel closer to them. He’s incredibly sensitive by nature, he cares deeply about the feelings and thoughts of others. He doesn’t demand attention but often attracts it through his put-together attitude, stability and grace. 
3. “He’s beginning to learn how to articulate what he feels and is embellishing his own personality”. At major crossroads of his life, somewhat serendipitously, Chris and I have taken walks through snow, up mountains, and in the woods to talk through decisions, feelings. Sometimes mostly feelings. These are some of my more cherished times with Chris. And each time we’ve done it, there has been a noticeable maturation of thought, and individuality in him. I think it’s somewhat of a common sentiment among older siblings that as they grow up they regret not being a better brother, or better sister when they were young. And though that is true here, what I do not regret, but rather consider a great honor, is getting a front row seat to watching you develop into a kind, diligent, brave, honorable man. A man who’s delight is in the Lord, and the people God as put in his life. So thank you.

Lastly, Jessie. When you and Christopher were younger, more raw, unsanctified versions of yourselves, it was not love at first site, and it may not have been love at third or fourth. If I were to make a romantic comedy about your lives I would title it: Love…eventually. 

But let me be the first to say how glad I am that eventually became definitely. For those of you who close to Jessie, know this to be true, and for those of you who don’t, just take a look at her instagram account, Jessie celebrates people well. And I don’t mean that in a trivial way.  I mean that in a significant life giving way. We cultivate what we celebrate and Jessie has cultivated a rich culture of blessing and affection. And I’ve seen that change Christopher. When people asked me how I felt about the two of you dating my go to response was “She’s good for him.” and I really mean it. So thank you for bringing joy, levity, and healing to my brother. 

So if you will raise your glass with me, to Christopher and Jessie, may they be blessed as much as they are a blessing to us. 

-James

The Challenge of Christmas

Thoughts and feelings on Christmas Eve Eve 2015

The Wounded Spirit

Feeling some existential angst tonight so I edited a sermon and some music together. I think this is going to turn into a video at some point. 

Stories for Unbelieving Believers

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"...Bring the boy to me.”

So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.

Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?”

“From childhood,” he answered. “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”

“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit.“You deaf and mute spirit,” he said, “I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.”

The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, “He’s dead.” But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.

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Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said,“why did you doubt?”

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“Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”

Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

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“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”

“why did you doubt?”

"Stop doubting and believe.”

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Blessed is the one

who does not walk in step with the wicked

or stand in the way that sinners take

or sit in the company of mockers,

but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,

and who meditates on his law day and night.

That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,

which yields its fruit in season

and whose leaf does not wither—

whatever they do prospers.

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www.desiringgod.org/interviews/battling-doubt-and-cynicism-in-our-bible-reading

Come back for me.

Some days it's really hard to not feel sad.